Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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