life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
