I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
