U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
