i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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