How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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