I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
