see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
