wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
