She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
