Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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