I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
