oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
