i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
