So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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