Someone shit on the floor
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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