Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I pour the whiskey from now on
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
