i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
