You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So many bounce houses so little time
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
