I cannot find my penis.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
