broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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