Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
