Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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