I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
