its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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