oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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