we're blogging at a bar
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
