'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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