somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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