Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
