I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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