First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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