I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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