i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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