Who wears a wallet chain?!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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