i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
