The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
