I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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