can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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