I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize