you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
