I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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