omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
