whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
