If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
