This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
