whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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