I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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