What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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