You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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