so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
