i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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