i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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