The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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