I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
