I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
