You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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