I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
